They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
