Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
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