dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
