you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
