True but thats because hes a fetus.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
