The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize