I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
