Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Randomize
