Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Randomize
