I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize