Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
