so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I skipped work to stalk him.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
