this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize