I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
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