Someone shit on the floor
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
