I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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