would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
