they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
