I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
sarcasm needs its own font
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
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