True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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