honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Randomize
