please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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