I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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