he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
