there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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