Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
