I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
