Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
