my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
