she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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