I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
