I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
