it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
