saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
