The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Randomize
