Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
