dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Randomize
