I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Houston, we have a squirter
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
