I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
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