my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
