i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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