Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
This girl is more easily done than said...
I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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