Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
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