I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
