I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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