Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
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