ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize