You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
