Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Randomize
