I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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