im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
