I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
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