he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Randomize