Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
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