A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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