the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Randomize
