3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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