my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
