who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
two words...techno handjob
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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