if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
she told me i tasted like america
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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