somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize
