Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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