At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
