My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
