Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
