i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
The beer is more important than you right now.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
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