Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
