I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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