You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
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