It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Randomize
