I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Randomize
