Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Randomize
