Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
My liver just had a heart attack.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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