Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
