I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
