i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
